x. HOMOGAMY BULLSHIT

sunday, december 13th

"THAT'S STUPID," Rosie laughed. "That's really fucking stupid."

  "What?" Awsten's mouth fell open in shock. "What are you talking about? How is that stupid? I wanted to kiss you correctly, and that wasn't correctly."

  "That's not how life works," she said when she was finally done laughing. "Sometimes you get big romantic kisses in the rain, and sometimes you get kisses at your best friend's birthday party."

  "Well, what if I want romantic kisses in the rain?" he asked, fake pouting.

  "Then I guess that's too bad," she smiled. "The Universe wants you to have kisses in a dark bedroom instead."

  He decided not to point out that the two of them were in a dark bedroom at this very moment.

  "Can I ask you something now?" He raised her eyebrows at her and she nodded. "Did you actually like me?" Awsten paused. "How many years ago...did you actually have a crush on me? Did you actually want to kiss me or was it just..."

  "Just what?"

  "I don't know...Did you like me-like me though?"

  She nodded. "I did. I've wanted you ever since I saw your goofy scene haircut."

  "'I've wanted' as in you still do?" he asked. "Still want me?"

  Rosie thought about her answer for a few moments. "No," she said and Awsten felt his heart crumble.

  "No?"

  "No," she shook her head. "No, I don't think I do. It's nothing against you, you're a great guy and I think anyone would be lucky to have you but...I don't want someone everyone else wants."

  He blinked at her.

  "I don't know, it's some 'homogamy' bullshit. I don't know."

  "That's definitely not the right word," Awsten laughed, but he wasn't completely sure it wasn't.

  "I don't know, I heard some word like that in college. I don't' remember what it is anymore."

  "Well, it's definitely not that," he grinned.

  "Can you just shut up?" She smacked his arm. And because his smile was contagious, she was grinning too. "My point is that as I'm getting older, I'm realizing that I don't want the guy that everyone else around me also wants. Meaning...I don't want you."

  Awsten looked down at his hands resting on his stomach. "No one wants me," he told her.

  "Are you serious?" she gawked. "You're fucking famous, dude. So many people want you. I've listened to the podcast, heard the fanfics. Did you know there's pages on Instagram dedicated ot just pictures of your hands?"

  He looked over at her again, his eyes full of something she could only label as full, complete honesty. "People don't want me, Rosie. They want the me that they think I am; They want the me that they write fanfics about; They want the me they made up in their head. That's not me. This,—" He gestured to himself. "—this is me."

  She felt a little awkward now, and decided to bathe in the silence before it felt right to speak again.

  She took him in. The curve of his jawline, the shadow of his eyelashes, the way his body moved as he breathed.

  "Y'know the trop on TV where the couple has a really hard time saying 'I love you' for the first time?" she asked finally, breaking the silence.

  Awsten shifted in the bed. "Yeah, what about it?"

  "I don't get it," she told him. "Like, I don't understand it all. I don't understand why it's so hard for them. Maybe..." she trailed off. "Maybe I just haven't loved someone like that, but...But I think I could look literally anyone in the eyes and say 'I love you!' with ease."

  He furrowed his brow. "But would you mean it?"

  "Yeah, I'd mean it."

  There was another pause between them. This one for Awsten to think of what to say next.

  "Then prove it."

  "What?"

  "Prove it," he repeated. "Say it right now."

  This would be easy. She had just told him that it wasn't hard to do. So, "I love...I love you," she told him, her eyes scanning his face to read his reaction.

  Awsten Knight leaned over and kissed her.

  Rosie Soap kissed him back.

  This kiss was much different from the one at Herc's 22nd birthday party. That one was rushed and almost meaningless.

  This one was slow and gentle. Her hands held his face carefully as if he was breakable. And Awsten's hands hovered over her wrists, afraid she would wrinkle like paper if he so much as touched her.

  Their lips moved together perfectly, and even though she was 28, Rosie felt as if this was the first time she'd ever been kissed before.

  It was hard to explain, and it didn't feel real. And Rosie knew this scene would be playing over and over in her head for weeks — maybe even months — to come

  "Can I tell you something?" Awsten asked, pulling away for air.

  Rosie nodded. His lips were even pinker than before, and his eyes fluttered open as if he was waking from a long, pleasant, dream.

  "I...I love you too."

all of this so far happening over the course of two days is unreal and i, myself, as the author, Do Not believe it